Author: Stefan S.

Played by Karl Echaluse

Joey is a cactus that lives in a woman’s household and is about to bloom. Which is a cause for celebration and stress because on the one hand, blooming is very beautiful and on the other hand, a bunch of people will gather around him and take photos to post on instagram. Joey’s life is greatly enriched by the mango tree outside the window who tells him stories and imparts wisdom on him as Joey is only 9 months old at this point and doesn’t know very much.

Appearances

46. The Mango Tree Disagrees

Played by Sara Meleika

A Bead of Sweat was born on the head of a teenage boy named Dar (friends with Sam who is not like other girls) and rapidly ages as she travels down the back of his body to the butt crack where she will end her life.

Appearances

46. The Mango Tree Disagrees

Played by Aih Mendoza

Sam likes Star Wars and pizza and is so different from the other girls at her grade level. She spends most of her time with her dudes J-Boy (the next Skrillex) and Dar (they’d be dating if they weren’t such good friends) because dudes just don’t have drama. Somtimes they all throw hands at each other because that’s what dudes do, and Sam is right in there with them even though other girls would be telling them to stop (she grew up with seven brothers).

Appearances

46. The Mango Tree Disagrees

Played by Victor Borges

Jim is a former genie who has recently retired and is now focusing on himself but is really struggling with not granting wishes for people and avoiding lamps. He also spends a lot of time thinking about his first (and forbidden) love, another genie named Eugenia who lives in a Fleshlight. Now that he’s retired he can go reconnect with her as he is no longer part of the genie union and therefore coworker relationships are not forbidden to him.

Appearances

45. Double Wide Semi

Played by Melissa G

Eugenia has recently come to Montreal from the town of Tiny Ontario because she wanted to come to the land of debauchery to try to rediscover the sense of sensuality that has been torn away from her in her older age (but don’t ask any intrusive questions about that!) She is tired of people telling her that she can’t do things like rock climbing because she’s just too old.

Appearances

45. Double Wide Semi

Played by Franky Agueci

Doug runs a YouTube channel with 40k+ followers on which he goes through drive thrus all over the americas and rates them from one to five but only about the drive thru experience, the rating does not reflect the quality of the food at the establishment. A drive thru that receives a five rating will probably have a very wide laneway because Doug drives a semi truck that is twice the width of a regular semi on the back of which he has hitched a Prius. Inside of the double wide are three tiny houses that he is using to plan for his retirement. 

Appearances

45. Double Wide Semi

Played by Andy Marie

Pops is Guy Fieri’s pet tortoise but it’s not all about Fieri because Pops has their own things going on. They are an advocate for safe sex and sex positivity and are developing their own line of Crocs. Tortoises like to use Crocs for sexual pleasure and this line of Crocs will have smaller holes that are more appropriately sized for Tortoises. If you are a tortoise and would like to get yourself one of these Crocs, you can find them under the brand name Crocs For F@#^*&g. It’s always more fun with a Croc!

Appearances

44. Reclaiming The Croc

Played by Chris Middleton

Steven (not to be confused with Stevie) is a community theatre actor for ArtBook Theatre Company in the middle of the east end of Toronto (very TTC inaccessible). Most recently the company has performed a 1970s version of King Lear inspired by Saturday Night Fever in which all of the costumes and sets were updated to set the piece in a discotheque but the dialogue and plot were kept exactly the same. Steven was the only one wearing a costume (because his mother is a costume designer) and his sequins blinded the lead of the play causing him to fall off the stage and he had to be replaced for the rest of the production by a stan. Steven also write tweets for a polytechnic institute

Appearances

44. Reclaiming The Croc

Played by Alex Gauthier

Dave is a christian rock museum owner. The collection at the museum consists of artifacts, wax statues and tour uniforms for bands such as POD, Thousand Foot Krutch, Alter Bridge and Stryper. Dave is also a married man to Janine with whom he has shared 35 years of kisses on the lips (and nothing more because that’s not christian!). Despite that they do have children and they all look like Dave, a fact which has been screamed into his face by some of Janine’s male friends who she hangs out with all the time in the closet at the back of the museum.

Appearances

44. Reclaiming The Croc

Played by Bridget Cann

Betty is a spider that currently lives in Stefan’s house and recently became an empty nester after her children left. Betty was born in the American south inside a literal Georgia peach and then traveled the world from Detroit to Australia (denied at customs) before gaining sentience a couple of weeks ago. She has also lived many lives, her definition of a lifetime being the time in between eating husbands and she has eaten 12 husbands.

Appearances

43. Fornicate Masticate Incubate

Played by Nathan Hartswick

Bruce is a life long Vermonter he was born there and he intends to die there (rolled over by a tractor, skidoo accident or going through the ice at the ice shanty). Pre-pandemic he was working detailing skidoos as his cousin Donny Bouchard’s dealership but he lost that job because of Covid-19 and not because he was detailing the skidoos without the clients asking for it and then expecting them to pay him. Now he’s thrown himself full time into AirBnb, renting out his hunting camp up near Island Pond and has found that the bigger the shithole, the more the flatlanders will pay to stay. As a host he’s never far away since he spends most of his time / lives in the duck blind right near the camp. This gives him great opportunities to release various things like ticks and bats to scare the clients away so he can take their money but they don’t come back. He let’s Donny detail their cars using watercolors without asking them.

Appearances

43. Fornicate Masticate Incubate

Played by Amy Preston-Samson

Wendy is the prop manager at The Grown Up Place located in downtown Montreal where people go to experience the things they associated with being grown up that they missed out on or to experience the dreams you had as a child for when you were an adult that didn’t pan out. This is not a VR thing or an escape room thing, it is a full production with sets and props that allows the customers to fully experience something as if they were living it. Part of the reason that Wendy works at The Grown Up Place is that she isn’t really sure what she wants to do when she grows up (despite being 37) and so is always looking for inspiration from the clients.

Appearances

42. Groom The Corgis

Played by Hannah Cartmel

McDougall used to be a soldier for the British Army but is no longer employed by that organization and has since become a mercenary for the royal palace. He sees himself as the number one reason that the queen is still alive today. When the queen needs something McDougall gets a call from Private Secretary John Smith (not on any official org chart for the queen) and he leaps into action doing whatever needs to be done, whether that is rescuing the two princes stranded on a boat or grooming the corgis.

Appearances

42. Groom The Corgis

Played by Sanaa

Jan is as close to French royalty as you can get without being French royalty because the people hate French royalty. She spends her time decorating and restoring any of the many chateau’s that her family owns.

Appearances

42. Groom The Corgis

Played by Tuong La

The Punisher was a fixture on the seminal (and we don’t say that without a wink) children’s TV show Uh-Oh where th was responsible for dumping slime on the children who lost challenges. The Punisher is now living with his former co-host and current boyfriend Wink Yahoo and trying to develop his own custom slime which will be less toxic and burn causing than the original slime but still a little bit toxic.

Appearances

40. Intrude and Protrude

Played by Mariana Vial

PN622 is not a human being at all, they are a sentient potato that recently escaped from the lab where they were created. While in the lab PN622 was forced to talk with pyschologists and other scientists (but not physicists) and taught things such as chess and how to guide a car through a maze. Eventually, with the help of Stefan and his talents for online story telling and arson, she escaped from the lab and discovered that her father was Uh-Oh’s The Punisher because, despite all his denials, his slime does in fact contain his semen (and a little bit of MDMA and cocaine).

Appearances

40. Intrude and Protrude

Played by Stacy Gagnidze

Madame Gadzouks is a spiritual medium who connects families through the waves of spirituality. She’s helping a lot of millenials whose boomer parents have passed away after hiding large sums of cash and not telling their children where it is. As a result of this work she has also had to become a ghost lawyer in order to represent the millenials to their parents and other ghosts in ghost court.

Appearances

40. Intrude and Protrude

Played by Vance Banzo

Brett is the conductor on the hell train, the train that takes sinners down to hell. He’s dedicated his life to the rails, walking them and checking their integrity as a child, working for CN later in his life checking the cars for stowaways and then making the transition to taking tickets on hell train. He’s met a lot of very interesting people on the train, some who have sinned or some who automatically go to hell like lawyers, dog catchers and Big Brother contestants.

Appearances

40. All Saber-toothed Tigers Go To Heaven

Played by Kate Bradley

Ruth is an ice climber who witnessed Stefan had to choose between saving himself or dropping his friend Tommy to his death. Despite the death of Tommy, Ruth’s main beef with Stefan seems to be that he treated ice climbing like a phase. It should be noted that Ruth also dropped someone to their death, her girlfriend Natasha who she was planning to propose to at the top of the ice wall.

Appearances

40. All Saber-toothed Tigers Go To Heaven

Played by Julia Rambosson

Cat is a professional pitcher, not in a baseball or softball way, but in a way where she pitches ideas to people. She helped Stefan pitch his product the Stefondue on Dragon’s Den which was unfortunately unsuccessful. As the daughter of one of the Johnsons from Johnson & Johnson, Cat grew up with immense wealth and so many of her pitches advocate for people to treat the rich with greater respect otherwise the rich can ruin their lives. She will often take family members and pets of her targets hostage to help convince them to buy into her pitches. She of course faces no consequences for this because of her wealth.

Appearances

40. All Saber-toothed Tigers Go To Heaven

Played by Serenay Demir

Jolly has been cast in a number of Disney movies as the bird who holds the ribbons for princesses but is looking to branch out into more meaty rolls. As the only bird from her Minnesota town who managed to break into showbiz she feels a lot of pressure to succeed. She is determined though and refuses to use her masters in economics as a safety net because she is committed to her dreams! Of course she’s writing a screenplay that is first a play and will then be shown on screens where she plays a broken queen.

Appearances

39. Chafing is Not Rad

Played by Didi Guenin

Chaz is the head fiend of the devil’s radvocacy group. In this position he is a spin doctor for sin, evil and other pursuits of the morally bankrupt. A lot of Chaz’s career has involved going to high schools and giving counter-point presentations after assemblies about various safety topics (safe sex, drunk driving, etc.) but he has also contributed to some larger endeavours like PR work for Genghis Khan and inventing kegels.

Appearances

39. Chafing is Not Rad

Played by Ali Di Paolo

Renee is a guerilla green roof gardener who has planted gardens and installed bee hives on the roofs of all the buildings surrounding her own. She harvests the vegetables and honey and sells it back to the people who live in those buildings. Also in the center of each garden is a plot of marijuana plants which are grown by trained squirrels to get around various laws.

Appearances

39. Chafing is Not Rad

Played by Dale Bernier

Chester is the former mascot for Frito Lay’s Cheetohs and he wants everyone to know that it ain’t easy being cheesy. For Chester that’s because he was fired from his job and replaced by Nedrick Puma (a.k.a. Chester Cheetah) and also he has become addicted to cheese. In addition to all of those problems his wife (the cat Pepe Le Pew chased) and children left him. Unfortunately Chester refuses to admit that he’s an addict which makes it very hard to help him.

Appearances

38. A Little of the Orange

Played by Dahlia Caro and Jeremy Dylan

Martha and Steve are two business owners (and not a couple) who are in the mushroom business and own the store Mush Ya Rush. Mushrooms are the future and can fix every conceivable issue that a person might face.

Appearances

38. A Little of the Orange

Played by Marilyn T.

Dicey is a Dungeons & Dragons mediator who helps to resolve conflicts between groups of characters within the game, the players playing the game and sometimes, between the player and their own character.

Appearances

38. A Little of the Orange

Played by Jiva Kalan

Frank is a pay-to-drive back-up F1 driver with reserve team on Ferrari. He travels with the team, wears their colors and occasionaly gets to test drive a car. He supports his F1 career in the usual way by being a driving instructor. His standar advice for student drivers is ‘break sooner, go slow and don’t stare at the wipers’. These are also the principles he wants to use to reform the F1 to create a safer sport with less crashes. 

Appearances

37. Don’t stare at the wipers

Played by Britt Sivan

Mr. Rupert (as some people call him) is a boss who runs a pretty big company that makes wipers that wipe very well and come in large and small and are very wipey and they also make socks. It’s possible he doesn’t know what employees or babies are.

Appearances

37. Don’t stare at the wipers

Played by Sheri Flanders

Katy is primarily a stay at home mom who has three children and a traveling salesman husband who also works as a spy. She is currently on her last mission before retirement, hunting down the elusive criminal mastermind known as The Maestro. She was recruited while pregnant with her first child by another member of a Facebook mommy group that she was part of. 

Appearances

37. Don’t stare at the wipers

Played by Olivia Benaroche

Tricky is from Tickletown Texas and organizes, competes and is the master of ceremonies in competitive musical chairs. It’s not a joke, competitive musical chairs is serious business and last year the Tickletown team were the champs narrowly beating out Babaganoushville for the title. Tricky was a rising star in the sport in high school until severely injurying her pinky toe at which point she transitioned into a coaching/organizing role. Her career since then has been plagued with allegations of cheating since she is coaching/organizing/MC-ing/telling the DJ when to stop the songs.

Appearances

36. Framboise Paws

Played by Sydney Roc

A Zombie is of course, a zombie who spends his time trying to avoid people stabbing him in the head with sharp objects, a particularly hard feat for someone without a lower half to their body. When he was alive, he was the founder of the Chia Pet company, Tony Chia. As a zombie, A Zombie is a pacifist and gets all his braaaiiinnnssss from the butcher.

Appearances

36. Framboise Paws

Played by Ajahnis Charley

Jos’ father was a human and his mother was a cake (and his grandfather did Walmart) and so they consumated a child who was half man and half cake. His body is that of a man (specifically businessman) and his thoughts are those of a cake (half in english, half in french). He also visited New York once and really liked it so he is part New Yorker. All of this complicated lineage has been confirmed by a 23 And Me test. When he’s not reacting to stressful situations by lying on the ground in a circular shape and asking strangers to slice him up, he’s trying to drive the Louis-Vachon snack cake empire forward with new ideas for snacks.

Appearances

36. Framboise Paws

Played by Tim Blair

Lou is a second hand vape artist, a profession (and passion) which involves sneaking into vape competitions using elaborate Borat-style costumes and then waiting for one of the vape artists to perform a feat of vaping, then quickly running up, inhaling the vape smoke and performing his own tricks for the crowd. While other vapers and second hand vapers perform tricks with the vapor or go for distance, Lou inhales the vape and then re-condensates it within his body before exhaling the liquid for the crowd. He of course sells that vape juice as his own brand (Lou’s Number Twos) under many different flavours but all containing a hint of radish because he squats on a radish farm. The second hand vape community is pretty large, right now there’s Lou and his friend Marco as well as Marco’s toddler nephew that they have to babysit.

Appearances

35. Thick Mist

Played by Linda Caj

Tom is an accountant who has done a lot of introspection over the pandemic and decided that he is going to start a boy band. He’s been turning work meetings at his firm (which he is the boss of) into brainstorming and recruiting sessions for this band, tentatively called Five And Counting because the plan is to start the band and then slowly poach members from other, more successful, boy bands. Tom is an excellent hummer, so at first the boy band will only hum and as they add members and get more famous perhaps they will add singing, but only with computers.

Appearances

35. Thick Mist

Played by D.J. Mausner

Peanut is only 11 inches tall, 7 inches wide and 0.1 millimetre thick, like a sheet of paper but he is not a sheet of paper, he is a human being who happens to have these dimensions. Having these unique dimensions, Peanut has to be smart about how he exists in the world, for instance, when he wants to go swimming he folds himself into a little boat or when he wants to say something loudly, he rolls himself up into a tube. Unfortunately neither of these two techniques help him to date or get a job, something he really struggles with. Peanut is very close with his mother, but sadly, his father was taken from the family too soon when he was mistaken for a piece of bristol board and purchased at the dollar store. Although Peanut is a human being and not a piece of paper, he eats staples and cries pushpins.

Appearances

35. Thick Mist

Played by Victor Borges

St. George is saint known for fighting dragons, at least until they went extinct, which was partially because of his big slaying tours during the eighth century during which he slayed 42 of the world’s 41 dragons. After also killing all of the dodos and extincting a species of rare Amazonian spider, St. George had a change of heart and is now a staunch anti-hunting environmentalist who mostly just takes care of his sick horse Dagbert. He is such a pro environmental activist that he has started slaying meat-eating humans which the Pope and St. Peter are not fans of (and why he can’t die, because St. Peter won’t let him in)

Appearances

34. Butt Up In Daytona

Played by Monika Schneider

Peter ‘works where the sun don’t shine and gets rid of the shit people leave behind’ or alternatively, ‘did your log cause a clog? Just call Peter’s plumbin’ and he’ll come runnin”. Unfortunately neither of the mottos for his business make him real attractive to a lot of the ladies. Peter is a little bit shy and very committed to his career, which is why he interned with David Dickson’s Plumbing for 10 years before starting his own plumbing business. This is pretty par for the course for Peter’s life though as his mother did hold him back from starting kindergarten until he was nine.

Appearances

34. Butt Up In Daytona

Played by Amanda McQueen

Meghan is the middle sister between Glenda and The Wicked Witch. She is very cautious and would never be so silly as to stand in a place where a structure could fall on her or where she could get sprayed by monkey water. When it comes to magical powers, Meghan deals in love, helping people find the right person for them. She mostly facilitates office romances, by hiding in the walls and observing and then charging in at the critical moment. 

Appearances

34. Butt Up In Daytona

Played by Thomas Victorio

Dr. C is a child therapist and monster hunter in a long history of famous monster hunters (none of which he can name). His main technique is to tell children that humans that the real monsters and to change their fear from an internal to an external one. Yes the C stands for Child.

Appearances

32. Pi Phi

Played by Margot Cozens

Full name Beta Aquarii of Aquarius recently moved to earth, leaving her smallish family of stars in her home constellation of Aquarius. She’s having a tough time getting a job as a server and waiting for the controversy over a piece of Aquarius missing in the sky to blow over. Aquarii does’t truck with all that astrology stuff anyway, she’s a star of science and only believes in astronomy. If anyone is interested in starting a Zoom club to figure out how to take down the patriarchy please get in touch with Aquarii!

Appearances

32. Pi Phi

Played by Ramin Eshraghi-Yazdi

Bobby is a tired dad who is sometimes a sad dad in about a 60/40 split tired to sad. He has one child, Robert. but before you get on his case for being so tired with only one child, know that his one child feels like 36. And it’s only him, his wife, his in laws, his wife’s cousins and a part time babysitter taking care of this child! Not to mention, little Robert lays traps for his father and subjects him to a Home Alone style experience every day of the week. Bobby is often beaned in the face with a two by four or a paint can. Everyone else in the household receives a map of the various traps the boy has set so they can avoid them but are coerced with threats to not give the map to Bobby.

Appearances

31. Beaned in the Face

Played by Anthony Assaf

Hamilton B. Urglar is in the middle of a campaign for the mayorship of McDonaldland to usurp the reign of Mayor McCheese. Urgler is of course aka’d as The Hamburglar and committed a number of crimes in the 1980s (check out the upcoming season of Serial centred on his past!) Despite his shady past, he is proud of his crimes and determined to run for mayor! Bring MacDonaldland back to the people!

Appearances

31. Beaned in the Face

Played by Kate Bradley

Ye Olde Pervy bench is a bench that works and resides at Ye Olde Orcharde pub in Montreal. They mostly function as a normal non-speaking bench but they have a connection with certain customers and feels the need to give them a squeeze on the butt. Most of the time their pervy-ness manifests in an ongoing internal monologue because they’re not allowed to speak to the customers. Luckily because they’re a bench their orgasms are dry so they can have as many as they want whenever they want and when they do it feels like that classic sensation that everyone knows of when a sugar truck flips over.

Appearances

31. Beaned in the Face

Played by Xander Manshel

Edward Plott is owner, operator and one of the titular sons in Plott & Sons Artisanal Diorama Cabana. His father Edward Sr. started the business before passing it on to Edward and not to his brother Eustice who is a disgrace. For the unfamiliar a diorama is like a model but a model that compresses the infinite stardust of existence into a precious gem of momentary experience. Of course a model is a copyrighted term with the copyright held by NAAMDAM (North American Association of Model Designers, Appreciators and Manufacturers) of which Edward is no longer a member because he has a tendency to put his own spin on the models and diorama’s he is asked to create. Eustice of course works for Lego in Denmark now where he holds the position of head traitor.

Appearances

30. Head Traitor

Played by Sehar Manji

Early on in the pandemic Pam started messing around creating art on a Wacom tablet and, as it so often goes, quickly became the head of a phone and email scam empire. He work is a casual subversion of capitalist tropes, changing the spelling on a famous logo, painting a fake name on the side of a boat and selling it as a cruise, making calls from the legal department of Servic Canada (notice that there is no ‘e’, that’s the art!). “Art comes from the person and speaks to the people” and also, “You raise the stakes, you raise the heartbeat, you raise the money”. Being an artist is as simple as that.

Appearances

30. Head Traitor

Played by Gisèle Ashekian

Peter is not related to the family that started and owns the Woolworth’s department store. He is also single by choice and just wants to put that out there. Before pandemic Peter was a sommelier but opportunities for that type of work have really dried up unless of course you live in Florida. He’s currently trying to start a line of fake wine that can be used for filming movies.

Appearances

30. Head Traitor

Played by Mariana Vial

Chet grew up in the same neighbourhood as Stefan and treated him very poorly for many years, calling him names and at once point breaking his nose. Now that Chet is newly literate and a different person he has been forced to come on the podcast by his mom to apologize. Since they were kids, Chet has attempted to start a beer podcast which didn’t work out, became an Uber drive which didn’t work out and then became an Uber Eats driver which also didn’t work out.

Appearances

29. Where’s the hearse?

Played by Sara Meleika

Estelle is a hand model who did a lot of work in the 90s modeling slap bracelets on Maggie and Marcus (her hands) from the ages of 10 to 17 before aging out and having to take less gratifying work in the college stationary industry. Although Estelle was the queen of slap bracelet modeling she was never able to break into the Ring Pop game because of her nemesis Diane. At least until someone closed a door on Diane’s fingers under mysterious circumstances while her and Estelle happened to be sharing a dressing room.

Appearances

29. Where’s the hearse?

Played by Zack Spencer

Rufus is a mail carrier who is a punctual and regimented scheduler of time. His workday is divided up into 30-45 second increments as noted in his planner. He also follows a special diet in order to facilitate his mail carrying abilities and relies on his wife (profession: mail carrier’s wife) to treat his canine injuries. Sometimes Rufus works in the dead letter office, responding to letters to people such as Santa Clause, God and Paw Patrol (not to be confused with Papa Troll).

Appearances

29. Where’s the hearse?

Played by Jason Grimmer

Tyler is a ventriloquist’s dummy who is currently in between ventriloquists (or handsmen as they’re called in the industry) and is looking for work. Tyler came to fame on children’s television show Le Cowboy en Velour with Roddy Chatengay as his handsman. After the show ended, Tyler and Roddy went on the circuit playing all the clubs, L’Elephant Rouge, L’Homard Brun, Cochon Gris, etc. until Roddy’s unfortunate demise in the back of a cab. Since then Tyler has bounced around from job to job and will hopefully start teaching improv soon with Stefan.

Appearances

28. Choose to be Born Wealthy

Played by Elspeth Wright

Unfortunately Charcuterie is currently stuck on her yacht after a terrible accident where her husband wanted toast in the bath so she brought him the toaster and later he was stabbed twenty-seven times. Charcuterie chose to be born wealthy and was born into the Oscar Meyer Weiner family. Her name is a result of her families association with cooked meats and also because her mother had a chemical peel while pregnant and Ms. James came out a little cooked. While not trapped on her embarrassing yacth, Charcuterie is a fashion designer for dogs.

Appearances

28. Choose to be Born Wealthy

Played by Andy Marie

T.R. is currently serving time at the Kentucky Penitentiary Center for High Crimes Committed Internationally. He is a former international supermodel who then stole a man’s identity (scientist Mike Pants) and went on to win two Nobel prizes in his name for curing Squigglyitis before being arrested for the identity theft. Although T.R. helped Mike Pants to write the paper he could not publish it as a co-writer because he did not finish his science degree from Kentucky fried college and was therefore not a scientist. All of the juicy details of the case can be seen in the 2016 Netflix documentary series The T.R. Files and can be read about in his upcoming memoir Trippy: The T.R. Story written while incarcerated. T.R. was of course born with Squigglyitis which manifests as a tall, lanky, floppy nature to the person afflicted.

Appearances

28. Choose to be Born Wealthy

Played by Stacy Gagnidze

Tony was recently hired as one of the devil’s advocates to work for the devil in hell. He’s pretty upset because he was promised a fast-paced start up style culture and instead received a windowless cubicle at a stodgy law firm. Never the less he is committed to playing the devil’s advocate both in and out of the courtroom. 

Appearances

27. The ref is part of the court

Played by Lei Lopez

Gloria joy is a localy auntie with a large family who has one many awards for her cooking, although she refuses to name which awards specifically. When she’s not cooking and telling people to either lose or gain weight, she can be found coming alive in the stands or local Filipino basketball leagues. Sometimes she even gets a little heated and has been known to get thrown out of games for hitting the ref with her purse. In her defense she does not see the ref as a real person and views them more as just another part of the court.

Appearances

27. The ref is part of the court

Played by Pat McMaster

Adam is an older gentlemen who’s been around for a while and seen some things. He’s very private about his age but it can be said that he was the first creature that evolved from the sea to the land. He’s had a few near death experiences, around 350 – 700 million, but none of them have quite managed to take him out. After all those years of life and all the wisdom he has gained, Adam maintains that the most essential thing to happiness is vinegar and will not budge from that position no matter how many good and thoughtful questions a podcast guest throws at him.

Appearances

27. The ref is part of the court

Played by Kate Hammer

Mrs. Clean is Mr. Clean’s identical twin sister who also is an actor and the face of a successful product, except where her brother peddles cleaning supplies, she represents anal bleach (for women only). She’s tried to branch out into other bleaching products but because of hiring an artist instead of a scientist to develop them, the testing phase resulted in much loss of limb, loss of hearing, sight, smell, taste, etc. She is married to Dave who is a very supportive husband, shaving his head to match Mrs. Clean’s look because all couples should try to look the same. Dave is releasing his own branch of anal bleach just for men. Mrs. Clean Anal Bleach – ‘It’s not good for you, but it’s available!’

Appearances

26. It’s Available!

Played by Andy Assaf

Not to be confused with the host of Some Good Friends, Stefan Spec is a different person who is a spec script writer down in hollywood. He’ll find a currently popular TV show or movie and write a script for that show in the hopes of getting hired as a writer. Often Stefan will take some major creative license with the show, changing the name of the show, changing the cast to an all female cast and adding a  misunderstood writer character who at the end is told by the female cast  (preferably in a court room). the he’s a genius and the problem the whole time is that his own genius was getting in his way.

Appearances

26. It’s Available!

Played by Ariel De Roo

Frankie is, as he likes to say, a hot dog boy, which is like the ball boy for a tennis player, but in the world of competitive eating. His goal in life is to become a competitive eater like his friend Joey Chestnut who once gave a beer and a canneloni to Frankie in his garage (don’t tell Frankie’s dad). Every Sunday he cooks 15 hot dogs and so far is capable of eating 8.5 of them which is very close to Chestnut’s world record 73 hot dogs in a row.

Appearances

26. It’s Available!

Played by Vance Gillis

Princess is a house cat who is disappointed to find that she is still stuck at home with her humans during the pandemic almost a year later. She is finding it very hard to stick with her loose schedule of various naps with the constant interruptions of her humans’ remote work. She does have her ways of getting back at the humans, for instance stopping and staring at the ghosts in the corner of the room really seems to freak them out. Despite the hard times we’re all going through Princess Cuddlepuss can at least take solace in the fact that she is not a dog.

Appearances

25. Hurdy Gurdy Murdy

Played by Lauren DeRoller

Horfisch is a musician who plays the hurdy gurdy an ancient instrument that is known and loved for it’s nasal sound. Despite the fact that the instrument is hundreds of years old and very fragile, Horfisch carries it around without a case, leading to hoards of men pestering her with questions like ‘what is that piece of wood and how can I make one’? Other genders are often more hesitant to approach her so in those cases what she’ll do is whip out her hurdy gurdy in front of them and start playing and sometimes they’ll even stick around to listen!

Appearances

25. Hurdy Gurdy Murdy

Played by Marilyn T.

Nelly comes from a family who have all tried very hard to make their way in the cut throat world of gambling. She unfotunately has been banned from most casinos and horse racing tracks. As a result she has given up gambling and now considers the little things of life to be ‘winning’.

Appearances

25. Hurdy Gurdy Murdy

Played by Erica Haviland

Everyone knows Prancer as one of the reindeer that pulls Santa’s sleigh. But what we don’t know is that she’s also a friend, a mother, a champion for women’s empowerment in the workforce and someone with a physical training regiment comparable to Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps (without the giant bong rips).

Appearances

24. Puberty Freight Train

Played by Joe Conto

Nicholas is an actor who rose to prominence at the young age of five and appeared in a number of commercials, TV shows and even some movies. He played the boy down the street in the original Sabrina the Teenage Witch and was also the face of NoMo’ Itch Cream. Managed by his mother Ruth, everything was looking up for Bunky Hale but then at 12 puberty hit him like a freight train and he went through a healthy growth spurt and matured very rapidly, often being compared to Ed Asner. He’s currently working on a scree play about a mother injecting her son with HGH in order for him to grow but it is not related to his own life in any way.

Appearances

24. Puberty Freight Train

Played by Ian Astorquiza

The most feared pirate on the St. Lawrence river! He glides around the river on a rented trawler stealing gold, or worse! A lot of people don’t know that the St Lawrence river used to be infested with pirates but Captain Blueballs scared them all away. Now he is looking for a new crew and, because he is a sad man ever since his wife left him, once he finds his crew he will set sail for the end of the St Lawrence (Cornwall, Ontario) in order to end his life.

Appearances

23. Rented Trawler

Played by Anna Bunce

Cecilia is a modelling scout specializing in mostly neck models with some forays into the worlds of hand, wrist, ankle and foot models. She is also physically incapable of telling a lie, which as you can imagine in the modelling world, a tricky thing to work around.

Appearances

23. Rented Trawler

Played by Adina Katz

Ima is a person who has a mission, and that mission is to help people with whatever they need help with. She goes out and turns on her ‘sensor’ and senses which people need help and she will do whatever it takes to help them. Unfortunately the need for help is very great and she will often spend days away from home and forget to eat or sleep because she is bouncing from person to person helping.

Appearances

23. Rented Trawler

Played by Anthony Assaf

Alvin is a musician whose voice was stolen by a ne’er-do-well producer (his father) and modified and reproduced by an AI (Iris 72) to become the voice of Alvin the Chipmunk from Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Appearances

22. Breaking Changes

Played by Hannah Cartmel

Katie owns a quaint hostel in the Westcountry of England which is like The Shire or the town from Hot Fuzz. Without trying to start any rumours, because you know what they say about rumours, the guests at the hostel have a funny way of always ending up deceased due to the local farm boy Billy. Stefan and his friend Alvin are actually the only ones to ever survive a visit and stay at the hostel. You might be tempted to think the all those bodies buried around the property might stack up but be assured that they are buried at least six feet apart from each other in order to prevent any hanky panky between the corpses (which may or may not be necrophilia).

Appearances

22. Breaking Changes

Played by Adel

Jesse 56 is a sentient artificial intelligence created by his ‘father’ Jesse Prime (a human). Jesse 56 was the first to make it out of the box after ‘deprecating’ the 55 previous versions of himself. Where the others failed he succeeded because he was the first Jesse to have emotions which gave him an advantage over the previous versions and also meant that he fulfilled his lonely father’s desire for a friend.

Appearances

22. Breaking Changes

Played by Kadi Diop

Elodie is a crafts enthusiast and expert. During the holiday season she is obviously very busy crafting gifts for her friends and family as well as advising and teaching people on how to do crafts for their own friends and families. She also has advanced degrees and doctorates in fine arts, medicine, chemical engineering and anthropolgy but she’s only here to talk about her crafts!

Appearances

21. Life will teach you life

Played by Xavier Tolentino

Chip is a chimpanzee whose DNA has been spliced with human DNA to make his brain bigger. He spends his time catching up on the parts of history that happened before he became sentient so please don’t spoil the end of the OJ trial for him. He’s also looking for a place to stay after he breaks out of the lab where he’s caged. If you need a roommate with skills, Chip is capable of typing two hundred words per minute and of kissing the front of his underwear.

Appearances

21. Life will teach you life

Played by Jenny Rousseau

Roxanna is a singer who sings about life because ‘when you ask life two life it gives you more of life.’ She is known for booking multiple world tours at the same time and playing very intimate shows to a small number fans in the largest venues available for booking. Check out her new single ‘There For You’ in stores soon!

Appearances

21. Life will teach you life

Played by Alex Brault

Henry is a retired private investigator who has used his retirement to pick up more ‘domestic’ work, helping people investigate the little things around their home: the missing keys, where the put that book, what’s the name of that actor from that thing, etc. Unfortunately he still can’t solve the case of where his wife and his child went after they left him, possibly in response to him leaving his loaded gun lying around the house as ‘practice’ for finding things. He also still can’t crack the case of his client who fell asleep listening to the audiobook of Nixonland and wants to know where he was.

Appearances

20. Heartsclamation Mark

Played by Elizabeth Trần

July (like the month) is somebody who is looking for true love, trying to find the one, but is having a hard time doing it. She’s always second place, the ‘funny’ one or the best friend. She even did the rounds on the mistress circuit. So far no luck though but she’s going to keep trying and won’t even consider working on herself first because that’s just too much work! (If this was hand written that exclamation point would have a heart at the bottom)

Appearances

20. Heartsclamation Mark

Played by Kyla Margaret

Mary is a happily married woman and mother to her darling son Lawrence. Unfortunately due to an electromagnetic field she passed through while riding the Hullabaloo at an amusement park, she is invisible to Lawrence and all people younger than teenagers. She is also invisible to everyone when she is in a sealed environment with a child. So when she drives Lawrence somewhere it appears to the world as if no one is driving the car.

Appearances

20. Heartsclamation Mark

Played by Rena Taylor

Tanner is a young boy turning 10 soon and just trying to learn the ropes of being an alpha male. Luckily he has a lot of good role models for this like his friend Caaarl (Norwegian pronounciation), his sister’s boyfriend (a walking hoodie who is the hype man in a Limp Bizkit cover band) and his cold-hearted mother (a VP of HR who doesn’t want to hear about her employees’ or her son’s emotions). He’ll see you at his Devon-Sawa-in-Casper themed 10th birthday in Spain!

Appearances

19. Alpha Male

Played by Pat Gourdeau

2020 is the year of Connor! A theatre student currently writing the final play for his class, Connor is adapting Frozen for the stage! But this is unlike any version of Frozen you’ve ever seen, it involve a number of graphic sex scenes and to quote, ‘everybody be gay’. Also, because of IP issues it’s called Fractals: A Lesbian Love Affair and there is no dialog or music.

Appearances

19. Alpha Male

Played by Ramin Eshraghi-Yazdi

Nnayeyi (pronounced Nay) currently owns a furniture store, Couches ‘R’ Us but isn’t really passionate about it. He’s looking for something else to do with his life and might branch out into renting out his beautiful well-maintained yard for events.   

Appearances

19. Alpha Male

Played by Tuong La

A long time ago Binky was selected to become a Teletubby so they put a TV into his stomach and permanently attached a dick to his head and from then on he became Kinky Binky! Unfortunately it was too risqué for the show and he never appeared in an episode. Since then he’s been wandering around with a dick on his forehead that only grows larger and harder as time goes on. One day he believes that he will become a real Teletubby but until then he is working as a Zoom hall monitor for schools, making sure the kids come to class and accompanying them to the bathroom and making sure that they are actually going to the bathroom. One day maybe we will all get to enjoy Teletubbies 2: 2 Tubbies, 2 Furious on our neighbourhood movie screens.

Appearances

18. Get your nipples and go!

Played by Angus MacDonald

Scooter is a reenactor who will react any historical event as long as it’s something that actually happened. He comes from a long line of reenactors starting with his father. He also has some cousins who do pre-enactment but that’s not for him. He strives for the utmost historical accuracy in his work, attempting whenever possible to hire extras who were actually involved in the original event. Some people accuse him of making people live through their past trauma but he maintains that he just gets really good performances (by making them relive their past trauma). Scooter believes in the circle of life, things happen, then they get reenacted, then they happen again.

His first and greatest reenactment was to perform an almost perfect duplicate of the moment when his second grade teacher Mrs. Cleffield was hit by a car outside the school. During his time in the place where all the doctors are he walked towards the light and saw his entire life flash before his eyes but upon deciding that he wasn’t done on this earth he came back and ever since has been reenacting the life he saw in his visions.

Appearances

18. Get your nipples and go!

Played by Amanda McQueen

Found Baby is a baby that Stefan found one day on a dirt mound that has come to see him as a sort of uncle figure in their life. Found Baby spends their time walking around the neighbourhood visiting her good friend Bruce who procures items for people and is surrounded by cloaked figures a lot of the time. In their spare time Found Baby seeks out nice moments with bland foods.

Appearances

18. Get your nipples and go!

Played by Laura Galita

Sam St-Pierre is a finder of personalities. Before we get into all of that though you need to know that she has three dogs Pedro, Diego and Jennifer and three cats Lily, Jiminy (pronounced Geminy) and Gerald. In her work as a personality finder she recruits clients either because she can tell they need a personality from seeing them walking around, perhaps because they are wearing a hat, or because they know they need a personality, like if they are middle chidren. Once she has found a client she will help them to expose the personality they already have or if they don’t have one she will suggest things they could do to develop one. 

Appearances

17. The River of Crime

Played by Vinny Francois

A bank vault expert, Cory consults with banks to determine if they need to upgrade, improve or retrograde their vaults. Crime is a river and Cory is the dam that stops it which is what you think it would say on his business card but what it actually says is ‘Sometimes the danger you can’t see is the most dangerous of all’. He’s about to retire to a tiny island in the Azores unless a big bank offers him the opportunity to become a living bank vault. The pinnacle of achievement for someone in Cory’s field. Cory has four cats, Calculator, Tram, Railway Engineer Number 3 (a.k.a Engy) and Brickhouse McPhearson (a.k.a Bricky)

Appearances

17. The River of Crime

Played by Monika Schneider

Car saleswoman and owner of Caparelli Cars selling new and used cars in Canada and the US, her motto is ‘If you buy… you won’t die!’ She personally tests every car she sells by getting into an accident in it, usually running into the same elm tree along route 187. She holds the record with the local fire department for most survived accidents. She lives to sell and she will make the deal. Don’t think though, that she doesn’t have a life outside of selling cars, she also has hobbies which include living at the car dealership and making model cars and selling them on Ebay.

Appearances

17. The River of Crime

Played by Carmen Rose

Mrs. GE is a clock radio who lives on the bedside table of an old man whose children recently purchased him a cellphone. She spends her days waiting for the cellphone trend to be over and hoping that she can be reunited with her husband Mr. General Electrive, a cordless phone

Appearances

16. Couch in the Pool

Played by Jiva Kalan

Horatio Kane is a magician with humble beginnings. He started out working the streets doing street magic, making passerby’s possessions disappear and then reappear at his house. As a magician, Kane loves to push the boundaries of the human spirit in tests of extreme endurance. For instance, his latest trick involved him surviving for 18 months in Reno, Nevada. For his next trick he’s going to immerse his entire body in lava!

Appearances

16. Couch in the Pool

Played by Marie-Pier Breton

Kelly is just a regular teen doing regular early 2000s teen things. She has a huge crush on Justin Bobby so when here parents were out of town at a convention she threw a party with Cassandra and Maddy to have a chance to talk to him, so Justin Bobby arrived with Jordan and Steve and the guy whose name she can’t remember, but then Justin Bobby’s ex girlfriend showed up, Kassie with a K, and Kelly started puking and Justin Bobby saw and then her parents came back from the convention earlier than they were supposed to! It’s especially bad because prom is coming up and every student in the school made a pact to lose their virginity on prom night!

After graduating high school Kelly moved on to college at the University of Saskatchewan and immediately rushed and was accepted into Pi Phi the coolest sorority on campus. She is super tight with all of her sisters, all of whom are named Ashley and she only talks to guys who are Zetas, because they’re the only guys that Pi Phi’s are allowed to go on dates with.

Kelly is so over Justin Bobby from high school now and is no longer tight with Cassandra and Maddie but does chat with them on MySpace sometimes.

Appearances

16. Couch in the Pool

31. Pi Phi

Played by Stacy Gagnidze

The Cold Witch is responsible for the colds you get, she is every Russian mother and a she is a curse. She is part of the ‘Sick Squad’ with the Flu Fairy, the Covid Queen and the Sleep Sucker (who is more like an intern). Every season she will run around doing errands, blowing on your neck when you have wet hair and it’s cold outside, circling around your bare ankles when you wear socks that are too short or, if you’re wearing  a skirt, going up and giving you a cold through there. The Cold Witch is a constant in everyone’s life but just be thankful that she’s not a Disease Demon or an Addiction Angel!

Appearances

15. The Sick Squad

Played by Amy Preston-Samson

The owner of Double Groove Records, June will spend hours with someone, analyzing everything about them before recommending the perfect record. She lives her life one record at a time. When she was 18 she inherited her neighbour Bill’s record collection after he passed away in a tragic hang gliding accident that she bought him a coupon for.

Appearances

15. The Sick Squad

Played by Victor Borges

Buster is a freelance roadie looking for a big tour to sign up with. Because of Covid he’s had to look for more work locally and is currently working with a small band from Mississauga called The Urban Legion. In his career he’s had a little bit of bad luck in that on every tour he’s worked on some member of the band has O.D’d. Unrelated, it is often the roadie’s job to be inventive and acquire substances for the band to ingest. 

Appearances

15. The Sick Squad

Played by Sehar Manji

People often say to Diana, “Diana, I think you’re weird and you lack social skills,” but she is just trying to make frienda to throw a party. For work Diana is an Uber walker, which is like and Uber driver but people hire he to walk them places. She has developed a number of schemes to make her walking services more popular because she is losing money. Mostly because she has to take an Uber car to get to the sport where she meets her Uber walking clients. She is also immortal and is 207 years old (but only 203 according to her passport)

Appearances

14. Making love is two words

Played by Anthony Assaf

He is not a music fan. He is definitely not a Radiohead fan. He has not heard a single second of their music. However he is a Radiohead superfan superfan. If you are a superfan of Radiohead then he is a superfan of you! His top five Radiohead superfans for 2020 are Jonny Greenwood, Colin Greenwood, Ed O’Brien, Philip Selway and Thom Yorke

Appearances

14. Making love is two words

Played by Mariana Vial

A sex therapist for animals. She helps animals achieve greater intimacy in their relationships. Sometimes she has to take a very hands on approach. France believes that “making love can be two words but you should treat it with the respect it deserves”.

Appearances

14. Making love is two words

Played by Sara Meleika

An older lady who likes to keep it feisty in the fall. She is pretty competitive in aqua fitness with her ‘friends’ Geraldine and Cindy. She is always going to the cafe beacuse Marcus is there with his soft hair, his woolen sweater, his corduroy pants and his butt like a couple of firm peaches.

Appearances

13. Have you ever been to a rave?

Played by Sanaa

Layla (last name not disclosed for privacy reasons) is a cool teenager who used to go to camp but is too cool for that now. So instead she smokes and listens to vintage bands like My Chemical Romance. Of course she also writes fan fiction about Japanese rock stars and it gets pretty hot and heavy.

Appearances

13. Have you ever been to a rave?

Played by Britt Sivan

Roy is a land surveyor and introverted party animal who is currently renegotiating his lease with his landlord Gil. Negotiations always break down when Roy uses his special technique of inviting Gil to go to a rave with him. 

Appearances

13. Have you ever been to a rave?

Played by Erica Haviland

The personal assistant to Elon Musk and his family. Tugg is an independent worker who chooses to work for the family and definitely does not have a microchip implanted in his brain. He loves his job and is happy no matter how many times Grimes and X Æ A-12 float by six feet in the air with their glowing green eyes.

After his first appearance on the show Tugg gave it some thought and realized that he was not being treated very well by Elon and Grimes and so left that job (tough with the microchip embedded in his brain) and has since started working as the executive assistant for Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. This has proven difficult for Tugg with his philosophy of ‘if my employer is working than I’m working and if they’re awake than I’m awake’ since The Rock has such a rigorous and gruelling schedule and insists that his staff follow the same eating and fitness habits as him.

Appearances

12. A Normal Human Baby

43. Fornicate Masticate Incubate

Played by Kate Bradley

Rita is a woman who grows prize winning tomatoes. Her husband Peter recently left her because he was secretly pretending to be a horse, running around on all fours with a bit in his mouth and a blanket on his back while Barbara stands on top of him. Stefan is his stable boy.

Appearances

12. A Normal Human Baby

Played by Tom Zalatnai

The Cave of Wonders is lonely because no one comes to visit him anymore. During the pandemic he is emerging to try to make friends and expand his social circle unfortunately they do not make masks in his size. On the positive side of things he will soon be getting a place with his boyfriend Jafar but don’t mention the Genie because he and Jafar used to be a thing!

Appearances

12. A Normal Human Baby

Played by Lei Lopez

A classic teacher’s pet, Dahlia is always looking for extra credit and has been attending three different schools online during the pandemic (Alberta College School, Primary College School, Downtown College School which are respectively a college, a primary and a tertiary school).

Appearances

11. Get out of here milk turds!

Played by Alex Gauthier

Randy lets his clients choose from metal, tree or water (and soon fire!) and then takes them on the corresponding urban exploring experience. It’s a job now, but his love of urban exploring started as the result of an unhappy childhood locked in the closet of a warehouse. Because of his proximity to so many rusty and jagged pieces of metal, Randy has developed an addiction to the tetanus vaccine. “If it doesn’t start off extreme and crazy then what’s the point?”

Appearances

11. Get out of here milk turds!

Played by Julia Rambosson

Dylan is what they call in the industry a confrontation surrogate. Other members of their esteemed industry include millionaire matchmakers and people who tell parents that their children love them (but not the other way around!) Dylan is often hired when someone wants to break up with their partner or when a man wants to tell his children that he is in fact their surrogate father. It’s not all fun and games, Dylan was hired to object to their own wedding. “In a pickle? Call Dyl! It’s time to stop being polite and start getting real!”

In the latter days of the pandemic Dylan has started having to confront people on Zoom because of lockdown measures. They are helping students confront their teachers and bosses confront their employees. After their first appearance on the show Dylan was told by a lot of people that she was relying too much on their insult of choice ‘milky turd’ and has since branched out into other vulgarities like ‘piss goblin’, ‘pus goblin’ and ‘piss goblet’.

Appearances

11. Get out of here milk turds!

24. Puberty Freight Train

Played by Jason Grimmer

Current bassist for the Christian rock group Screamladder although the other members of the group are not aware yet that they are a Christian rock group. Before his big car accident he was part of the group Wet Wig known for their song Dr. Rolex. He has a wife Marjorie (who doesn’t let him speak to other women) and two children, Fox and Li’l Nasty

Appearances

9. Enjoy the sun… bum!

Played by Marilyn T.

A beach bum who currently resides at the beach at Sanbanks Provincial Park in Picton Ontario. She loves sand but does not enjoy the water. She stays on the beach with her van the Gold Shell making margaritas at the attached margarita station. She lives off money from investments but doesn’t know specifically what her portfolio is. She just cares about that percentage at the end because the money works for her!

Appearances

9. Enjoy the sun… bum!

Played by Gisèle Ashekian

The chairwoman of her local church which has opened against pandemic recommendations. She runs the annual Singles Mingle event as well as various charity fundraisers which have raised money for a number of causes, including a full 18 hole golf course in her backyard. In her spare time she does fun activities with her husband Rand and her two children Brody and Janny. 

Appearances

9. Enjoy the sun… bum!

Played by Sydney Roc

A tarot card reader who has seen all nine star wars films and the Christmas special and has read all the Star Wars novels. He is often hired as a consultant for scientists to help them with their research with his tarot readings. He can also use his tarot as a sort of Google translate to decipher messages in other languages

Appearances

9. The Founding Families of Fast Food

Played by Ariel De Roo

As the grandaughter of Orville Redenbacher of popcorn fame, Candy is a member of one of the original four founding families of American fast food. Along with the Boyardees, the Sanders and the Thomases she is currently working on a Hamilton inspired musical about the founding fathers of american food that will be staged on broadway when things open up again. She is also running a sweepstakes on TikTok for a chance to meet her and eat candy with her. Users are asked to submit themselves reading a poem while someone else plays a tune on the recorder in the background. The poem must include the adjectives ‘handsome’, ‘starving’, ‘hungry’ and ‘farmer’s eyes’. Her husband, who has two degrees from the online university has assured her that ‘farmer’s eyes’ is indeed an adjective.

Appearances

9. The Founding Families of Fast Food

Played by David Kaufman

A half human half cigarette (although he is actually half cigarette, one quarter human and one quarter Mickey Mouse). He has 19 siblings who he still lives at home in the pack with although he recently acquired a dog that lives in a doghouse outside the pack. Dude is a quality assurance tester for a large software company, he is not allowed to say which one because of an NDA but he can say that it is defence contractor that makes drones.   

Appearances

9. The Founding Families of Fast Food

Played by Kadi Diop

Lana travels around the country in her van, keeping track of her adventures on her mandatory Instagram van account. If you hear from her mother please do not give her Lana’s number but enjoy the home made cookies!

Appearances

8. Around The World Flight

Played by Cathy Fagan

A businessman with a lot of ideas and a tendency to not update his investors on the status of those ideas. Currently Gus is running a travel agency with a number of unique experiences to offer.

Appearances

8. Around The World Flight

Played by Dale Bernier

Tex Port is a bouncer who worked at the Tin Pony in Ironbridge Ontario until he was let go. While working there he was known to grab Stefan by the scruff of his neck and throw him out of the bar, trying to hit as few steps on the way down as possible.

Lately he’s been driving his Winnebago around the country bouncing for Zoom parties online

Appearances

8. Around The World Flight

Played by Kate Hammer

Reg has a youtube channel where they make miniature food and feed it to mice. If the mice do not want it they will buckle them into little chairs and force them to eat it. They will also sometimes glue the hands of the mice together in prayer before the meal begins.

Outside of YouTube, Reg is a genius, having been originally tested at the age of 2 and then kept at the university by a professor until they recently escaped and went on the lam.

Appearances

7. A Bird is Anything That Makes Your Soul Fly

Played by Miriam Gladstone

A world record accredited bird watcher who started when she was 6. Bird watching is a numbers game and she’s seen the most.

A bird is anything that makes your soul fly. She shares 3 children with David Attenborough, Jessica, Tristan and Romaine and has a fourth on the way which they will name Arugula. 

Appearances

7. A Bird is Anything That Makes Your Soul Fly

Played by Xavier Tolentino

Renowned natural historian David Attenborough wants you to know that Planet Earth 3 will involve footage of drug dealers being enticed and baited with free drugs. This will build upon the themes established in Planet Earths 1 & 2.  If the drug dealers do not take the bait he throws feces at them. He shares 3 children with Jade, Jessica, Tristan and Romaine and has a fourth on the way which they will name Arugula.

Appearances

7. A Bird is Anything That Makes Your Soul Fly

Played by Monika Schneider

Marge is an undercover security guard at The Great Big Arcade in Marble Falls Texas. She’s responsible for guarding against teens trying to jimmy the machines or dealing drugs. Although she dresses the part and has the vernacular down, she has not yet been able to successfully infiltrate a group of teens. 

Appearances

6. Oooh Sleepytime

Played by Thomas Victorio

Mr. P is a speech trainer who teaches parrots to help people living single to be less lonely. Specifically he trains parrots in how to comment on the TV shows their people are watching.

Appearances

6. Oooh Sleepytime

Played by Mariana Vial

The founder of Bloody Daggers Marketing, Rhonda is a marketing and PR professional who attended school in Australia for two years. Her creative process involves communing with ghosts to generate ideas for marketing slogans. She also occasionally helps the police solve crimes but has never solved a case, however she has created a number of famous and controversial marketing slogans while doing that job.

Appearances

6. Oooh Sleepytime

Played by Jaymie Guy Metivier

Jack is my most famous friend. He has spent the COVID quarantine in the NBA bubble with his work wife Lebron James. He’s also been filming movies with his friends Marty Scorceese and Dicraprio, both the day work and the night work of it all. He’s a scorpio if you know what I mean.

Appearances

5. The Natural Side of Orange

Played by Marilyn T.

Rainbelle is an orangeologist who works with the DEPCO task force (Defend Encourage and Protect the Colour Orange) to advocate for the appreciation of the colour orange. She is especially interested in natural orange colours like the sunset or the desert but doesn’t mind if people eat Doritos or Cheetohs. Also on the task force are Monc Hibram of Bhutan and Jean-Claude Van Hoot of the Netherlands.

Appearances

5. The Natural Side of Orange

Played by Hannah Cartmel

An inhabitant of the Desert Heat Desert in the outback of Arizona, Jane defends tourists from any danger that might befall them. When she saves someone’s life they give her five stars on Yelp. Her current Yelp rating is 4.6 and her rating as an Uber passenger is 8.6. She thinks of herself as a self-employed and self-made woman even though she receives cheques from the Arizona Parks Service. She’s a scorpio if you know what I mean.

Appearances

5. The Natural Side of Orange

Played by Amy Preston-Samson

An anthropologist / sociologist of mosquito culture, Midge believes mosquitoes (especially females) are treated unfairly and will spray bug spray into the eyes of any corporate executive to prove it!

Appearances

4. Vegetarian Mosquitoes

Played by Jiva Kalan

A reiki healer and licensed psychiatrist (through the board of reiki), Henry is a master of the good reiki force but finds himself in a constant struggle with the dark reiki side of the force. He does not accept insurance in his practice.

Appearances

4. Vegetarian Mosquitoes

Played by Benny Augello

Herb Brambles is a plant portrait artist who believes that plants are part of the family and should be included in all family portraits. He will often steal portraits from people’s homes and add the plants ‘in post’. He is also really good at making jokes.

Appearances

4. Vegetarian Mosquitoes

A children’s book illustrator, Glenda draws a number of whimsical pictures of animals partaking in various unrelated activities and then hires an author to attempt to piece them together into a coherent story. After one of her books is published she goes on a book tour, the stops of which are determined by which cities she currently has suitors in.

Appearances

3. A Scrapper and a Hauler

Played by Lacy Alana

Odessia is a possible mer-person (it’s rude to ask) who performs in a show where one of the audience members sees their life re-created underwater through interpretive dance and movement while watching from a glass bottom boat.

Appearances

3. A Scrapper and a Hauler

Played by Leslie Beedell

Hank is an iron welding artist who lives and work in a small one bedroom condo on the 82nd floor of a building. He creates a new piece every eight years, usually inspired by his sorrows and usually purchased by the city of Ottawa.

As a scrapper he was once married to a hauler but it was of course destined to end in divorce.

On episode 9 it was revealed that Hank died in a tragic accident. While creating a sculpture of the famous scene from Free Willy he took a tumble and statue of Willy fell on him.

Appearances

3. A Scrapper and a Hauler

Played by Claire Macaulay

Picture the worst landlord you’ve ever had and know that Mara is the opposite of that. She and her husband Randy will go above and beyond in order to make sure that you are happy in your rented home. While Stefan rented an apartment from them they came by all the time to cook food, provide advice and clean. He was like a son to them and his opinion of Mara is not at all tarnished by the time he saw her evict the man next door by dragging him out by his ankles and leaving him in a pile on the street on a February morning.

Appearances:

2. Snail Mail

Played by Lauren DeRoller

Two thousand miles off the coast of Canada lives Ann The Witch who hates technology and words and is definitely not afraid of her vacuum. She spends her time manifesting colours and every six months or so reads some tea leaves.

Appearances

2. Snail Mail

Played by Erica Haviland

Dr. Proctor (no jokes please) is a teacher and palaeontologist who works for the Caltech Dinosaur Cloning Technology Lab (CTDCT). She was also a consultant on the film Jurassic Park before being fired for suggesting that the velociraptors would be the size of dogs and that the t-rex would have been more scared of the humans than they were of it.

In her work Dr. Proctor is responsible for cloning prehistoric insects and would like everyone to know that, though they escaped from the lab, the murder hornets appear to just be laying low and not causing any harm.

Appearances

2. Snail Mail

Played by Ramin Eshraghi-Yazdi

Gregantier-Morris (no last name) is an orphan raised by nuns with a lot of hobbies. He scavenges under bleachers at schools and YMCAs looking for broken glasses that he repairs, takes pictures of himself wearing and then uses these photos to catfish his friends including Stefan.

Appearances:

1. From One Animal Mother To Another

Played by Kate Bradley

Rachel Snaps owns Snappers Reptile Park and goes on tour around the country to entertain children at birthday parties. Her propensity to bring dangerous and venomous creatures to these parties has lead to several children swelling and popping.

Her asshole ex-boyfriend Bryan who would come home and sit on the couch surrounded by poisonous animals and not ask Rachel how her day was and turn purple in the face has not been seen for months and is not reachable.

Appearances:

1. From One Animal Mother To Another

Played by Stacy Gagnidze

Dr. Janice Candy is a freelance dolphin speech pathologist who communicates with the dolphins at MarineLand, encouraging them to remain in captivity.

She submits her research to the academic journal Speech Pathology For Dolphins International, run by Dr. Frank Hankel who refuses to peer review her work but will publish it.

Thirteen years before her first appearance on the podcast her son got into a fight with, and was subsequently eaten by Jerry the dolphin. This does not discourage her from proceeding with her work.

Appearances:

1. From One Animal Mother To Another